Transcript
A Brief Talk About Children of Cluster B Parents
Hi, I wanted to talk a little bit today about the challenges of being the child of someone with a Cluster B personality disorder. This topic has come up with various clients recently, so I thought it would be worth exploring.
To start, Cluster B personality disorders include conditions like borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder. A very common thread for children of a parent with one of these disorders is an overwhelming sense of purposelessness in life, which can persist for many decades.
There’s a logic to this sense of purposelessness, and it stems from the nature of these disorders—of course, we’re talking about a spectrum, so the impacts can range from mild to severe. Parents with these conditions often struggle to differentiate their child’s individuality. They may view the child as an extension of their own ego. As a result, the child is expected to reflect the parent’s desires and isn’t encouraged to develop their own agency, individuality, or strengths.
Naturally, as children grow up, they constantly look to their parents for feedback—even from infancy. Babies gaze at their parents’ faces to gauge safety or danger. We see this in psychological experiments, like the visual cliff study, where babies on a safe Plexiglas surface over an apparent drop will look to their parent for cues. If the parent looks worried, the baby pulls back; if the parent appears calm and encouraging, the baby proceeds confidently. This illustrates the constant feedback loop between child and parent.
As development progresses, this feedback becomes more sophisticated—whether it’s homework, sports, studies, or building competencies. Children continue seeking validation: “Is this right? Is this productive? Am I safe?” However, a parent with a Cluster B disorder may view the child’s actions through the lens of how they reflect on their own ego. They might impose strong ideas about professions, subjects, or jobs the child should pursue. Consequently, the child’s own interests, skills, desires, and passions are rarely acknowledged or positively reinforced.
From infancy through all stages of development, this stunts the child’s ability to pursue their authentic self. It’s up to the child to keep their inner fire alive, which is no easy task. Even into adulthood—after moving out and living independently—there can still be phone calls or video chats where the child seeks approval: “Have I chosen the right partner? Am I buying the right home?” This unhealthy loop can persist far longer because the feedback lacks coherence. It doesn’t align with the child’s inner feelings, creating constant cognitive dissonance.
In this state, the world feels incoherent. Signals are noisy, and it’s hard to make sense of desires, boss’s behavior, or life in general. When working through these issues in therapy, the first step is acknowledging the internalized belief that we still need positive feedback from a dysfunctional parent—because it’s not helpful; it can be destructive. This is why there’s a subculture around going “no contact,” which may be necessary for some to break the cycle. However, life deals us these cards for a reason, and it’s often valuable to learn how to cope and manage the relationship. Every situation is unique, but the key is stopping the need for that unhelpful feedback loop—it’s not serving your progress; it’s holding you back.
At the same time, we must engage in deep self-reflection: Who am I? What are my values? What truly matters to me? This is a significant piece of work. It often involves disentangling our personal story—perhaps by writing it down. You don’t need to write a whole book, but jotting down key experiences that represent life episodes can provide a sense of agency. Children of parents with Cluster B disorders often feel they lack agency—that life happens to them, making them victims of fate, society, or the universe. Adopting a victim mentality is toxic and the antithesis of personal development.
Instead, we need to reject victimhood and pursue agency and growth with passion, as if it’s the most important thing in life. Take control of your narrative; explore your desires and wishes. Another trap is waiting for a “Damascene” moment where purpose suddenly becomes clear—that’s not how it usually works. We build it little by little: create useful goals, build habits to achieve them, and slowly create order from chaos.
Of course, the parent may resist this and try to undermine your efforts. Depending on the severity, you may need to pull away to some degree—or completely—because developing your own agency and power is essential.
This is a fascinating and complex topic, one I’ve worked on with clients and experienced elements of myself. Understanding the principles—the need for agency, self-knowledge, and undoing unconscious beliefs about parental approval—can be transformative. Cutting those emotional ties, while taking a compassionate view of the parent’s limitations, is key. Blame isn’t a useful therapeutic tool; compassion is. By understanding their constraints and learning to manage them, we build strength, resilience, and wisdom. But it often requires unpicking our experiences to take control and become the captain of our own ship.
Thanks very much.